The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good

It's in the Wanting

I have been thinking a lot recently about what I want. I finally found this entry, which I think is a good place to start.

A few I've achieved:
  • I want more music.
  • I want also a DVD player.
  • I want my own place, but not a house out in Hackensack-ack-ack-ack.
  • I want out of New Jersey.
  • I want my damn degree.
  • I want to find myself behind the wheel of a large automobile.
  • I want support.

Mostly tangible stuff. Of course, most of that list was not designed to be attainable. But there are a few attainable things on there that I still want:
  • I want two children.
  • I want to know what I want, and then seize it.
  • I want to sit down with a good book. One that I wrote.
  • I want to be a paperback writer, failing that.
  • I want to be a good father, and not just for eight to ten years.
  • I want to know my grandchildren. Really know them.

A lot fewer material goals on that list. Which brings me back to the last item on the list:
  • I want to begin again.

So now's the time to begin again. I had this idea that I was going to post something big and wonderful and sweeping as a psychological and philosophical self-evaluation, but maybe I should start with a list. I can always break the list down and do the long-winded big-picture stuff with it item by item, right? But it might be that I need to identify what I think I want right now, go through the evaluation process, and then see what my list looks like on the other end.

There's always that pressure, isn't there? "What if I forget something?" "What if I put something on there I regret later?" But part of shedding the conceit of identity is acknowledging that we're different people from one moment to the next.

There's also levels. Like metaphysical stuff. Or at least meta-wants. Like the freedom to change my mind, to say, hey, I used to feel that way, but I've thought about it and now I feel this way. But taxonomies are a great way to get lost without actually accomplishing anything, so I should just spit it out.

Very well, here goes:
First off, I know I do want kids. Biological kids, if that's possible. I admit it, I'm curious to see what of my genome gets passed along. I want to raise my kids, and see them be as weird as I was. I want to see if I've gained any insight in all this time on earth that can help them with whatever struggles they'll have. I want to raise kids to be questioners, because that's what I think the world needs now. But I also want to see what about me they reject, and in which directions they differ from me. Because kids always rebel against their parents, right? If so, my kids should be pretty mainstream. Hah!

Next, I want to be able to give something back. That's almost a cliche these days, but I want to do something with my life that is positive/constructive or at the very least not destructive. I didn't knowingly make any bad loans when I was in banking, but it never left me feeling very good. I know I don't have a lot of choice in employment right now, but I'd like to think when things stabilize a bit that I'll have found something that pays the bills and doesn't go to lining the pockets of folks with no social consciousness. Basically, I don't want to make a small number of people very rich. I want to share the wealth and raise the minimum standard for everyone.

Which leads to my next point: I want to be financially stable. I don't need riches. I'm not even sure at this point that I want to own a house. It's certainly not the right thing for me at the present. But then, I think in my entire life, I've only lived in a place my family owned for ~3 years. That's a tenth of my life. Most of the people I know who talk about owning a house as a matter of course are just doing what their parents did; they grew up in their own houses as owners not renters. I'm not used to making major renovations to my living space. I'll do it if it makes financial sense, but not just as a thing to do. But I do want to be reasonably certain I can make all my bills for the next month. I'm okay with contracting as long as I'm pretty sure I'll be working 9+ months out of the year. This part-time, random hours shit is for the birds.

I want to keep asking questions. I want to live life thoughtfully, intentionally, mindfully. Going on autopilot and doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing has only led to trouble in the past. No, I'm not doing it just to be difficult, or to annoy you. I can ask you later, or I can ask someone else, but I can't refrain from asking entirely. The unexamined life is not worth living.

There are other things, but I have to get on a conference call. But I've started the list, and that's important. So yay, go me.

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