The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good

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I wrote this sketch for my old comedy troupe. It's got some funny moments if you can get past the canned jokes that were old when In Living Color did them. But keep that in mind when you read this. It's a first draft!


ADAM, our hero. The runt of the litter, naïve but well-meaning.

THE GUYS. They're like, The Guys. You know, the ones you hang out with on the weekend. They sort of straddle the line between friend and acquaintance. But hey, if they're up for it, I'm down for whatever. There can be as many The Guys as you want, but a minimum of two have speaking parts. TG1 is pretty open-minded, but otherwise passive. TG2 is more of a sarcastic smart-ass, but he's also funnier.

BRIDGIT, the titular pocket girlfriend. Now, with Boobs™!

GIRLS, the dates of THE GUYS. They don't have any lines, so they can be played by friends of the cast if there aren't enough actors. Won't your friends be excited to be on stage, especially when they find out they have to do four hours of rehearsals every day for a week before the performance, all so they can sit on some dude's lap and be his arm-candy? Or lap-candy, whichever.

CELL GIRL, who's a bit trashy. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some guys actually prefer it. I mean, she's based on my own mother. Who was a saint, mind you. The patron saint of alcohol poisoning.

ANNOUNCER. From Funtindu, makers of Pocket Creatures, comes: POCKET GIRLFRIEND!

THE GUYS are getting ready for a night on the town when they see ADAM, our hero.

THE GUYS 1. Hey, Adam, we're going out with our girlfriends tonight. Wanna come with?

ADAM. Gee, The Guys, that would be awesome, but I'm going to have to pass on tonight... to the audience ...Unless! He freeze-frames

THE GUYS 2. Hey, whatever, man. If you decide you're coming, we'll be at The Cruise Bar downtown. THE GUYS exit.

ADAM. Reaches into his pocket and removes one of those plastic capsules you get from the little 25¢ vending machines at the grocery store, or K-Mart. You know the ones. They usually have junk jewelry or a cheap toy inside. Or one of those sticky hand thingies that you can whip at a piece of paper that's like, 6' away, and it totally sticks to the paper and whips it back to you, only one night you leave it out and in the morning it's covered in cat hair, and the instructions say you can wash it and it'll be good as new, but eww, man, cat hair. Damn, those things were awesome. Anyone got a quarter? I'm totally going to get one from this machine, only this time I swear I'm going to play with it for more than a day, promise. What? Oh, right, the story.
Bridgit, I choose you! He takes out the capsule and throws it just offstage, where there is a flash (camera flash or strobe light), and maybe a sound effect. BRIDGIT walks out onto stage.

BRIDGIT. chirpy Bridgit! Bridgit!

ADAM. to audience Wow, it worked! to her C'mon, Bridgit, we've got to get to The Cruise! Wait til I show The Guys!

BRIDGIT. excited Bridgit!

* * *

At The Cruise. THE GUYS are at the bar/a table, sipping on drinks. They are with GIRLS.

TG1. Hey, look, Adam made it!

TG2. And who's that he's with?

ADAM. Hey, The Guys, what's up? This is Bridgit. She's my... dripping with smug pride girlfriend.

BRIDGIT. Bridgit!

TG2. You, with a girlfriend? Where'd she come from?

ADAM. mumbles My pocket.

TG2. What?! you can insert a spit-take here if you like.

TG1. Yeah, say that again?

ADAM. I said she came from my pocket, alright? She's one of those Pocket Girlfriends. You know... to the audience ...from Funtinduhe says this line like it's a commercial. You can almost see the little white ping! thingy on his teeth when he smiles.

While he is discussing this with THE GUYS, BRIDGIT has wandered off and is snooping on a girl having a cellphone conversation, getting in her personal space. CELL GIRL is starting to notice and get annoyed, though is still in the middle of her conversation.

THE GUYS 2. Man, you've got to be kidding me. Pocket girlfriend? That's the stupidest, most pathetic, childishest thing I've ever heard of. You mean to tell mehe is cut off by CELL GIRL who has gotten very loud.

CG. to BRIDGIT ExCUSE me? but I am in the middle of a conversation here. to her phone I'm sorry, Charlene, but we are going to have to finish this later. giving B a nasty look Some bitch [or you can say tramp, skank, nappy-headed ho, etc.] has just stepped up into the danger zone and is about to find out what happens when you get up in my personal space. slams her phone shut Now tell me, girlfriend, just who the hell you think you are?

BRIDGIT. perky Bridgit!

CG. like a tornado of pure attitude Well, Bridgit, maybe you are too blind to see, but I was just in the middle of a very important call to my brother's baby-mama. That was, until you stepped up where you shoulda have never had stepped.

BRIDGIT. obviously just wants to make a new friend Bridgit? Bridgit, Bridgit!

CG. Is that all you have to say for yourself? Ugly-ass looking piece of ho-trash. Look like yo fat ass fell out the ugly tree an hit every branch on the way down. And where did you get those clothes? The Salvation Army reject pile?

BRIDGIT. starting to look hurt Bridgit? sad Bridgit.

CG. Uh-huh. Well, you can just take your bridge-sized ass on home, little girl, and step up out of this woman's way before I slap you til you can't even remember your name.

BRIDGIT. now she loses it. Oh, that is it! I've had enough of your mouth, you trailer trash trick. slaps CG. I just wanted to make friends, but you're too in love with your fake designer self slap with your fake nails slap fake eyelashes slap fake breasts... they start fighting and grapple offstage. Sounds of combat can be heard.

TG1. Adam, man, DO something!

TG2. No, wait. Don't!

ADAM. rushes to the edge of the stage after the girls Girls, girls, stop fighting!

TG1. Uh, Adam, I don't think they're fighting anymore.

TG2. Well, they kinda are, but it's more of a cooperative, two-player battle now.

The GIRLS get disgusted with their men and walk off. Meanwhile, offstage, sounds of sloppy makeouts can be heard.

ADAM. Whoa, guys. I read about this in the strategy guide. I think I'm going to attempt a capture! he takes out another one of those capsules. This one is empty. He throws it offstage. There is the same flash/sound effect as in scene 1. He pulls on an invisible string/fishing line that was attached to the capsule and it comes back to him. I did it, I captured a new one! BRIDGIT returns from offstage, her clothes messed up a little and her hair all over the place Good job,Bridgit! He puts an arm around her waist and gives her a quick peck on the cheek, while she claps her hands and bounces a little bit.

BRIDGIT. Bridgit! BRIIIIDGIT! it's a celebration, bitches

TG1. Wow, man. I was totally wrong about your pocket girlfriend thing.

TG2. Yeah, they actually look pretty boss.

ADAM. smug pride again Well...

BRIDGIT. She cuts in over ADAM. Exuberant, still celebrating, singing her name in a very nyah-nyah sort of way Bridgit, Bridgit, Bridgit! Bridgit,Bridgit, Bridgit! she keeps singing

ADAM. Okay, that's enough out of you. he pulls out the other capsule Bridgit, return!

There is a sad look on her face before she is whisked offstage in a flash

TG1. Whoa, when she gets to be annoying, you can just make her disappear?

ADAM. Yup. She folds up into a pocket dimension for easy storage.

TG2. I have GOT. to get me one of those.

TG1. Yeah, Adam, you need to tell us more about these fantastic products from Funtindu!they walk offstage, still chatting

ANNOUNCER. And coming soon from Funtindu, Pocket Venereal Diseases. Gotta catch 'em all!

Tags: sketch comedy, story time, writing

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