The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good

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The Death of the Ego

This morning got off to a really good start, depression be damned. I got up before seven, did my progressive relaxation tape, called my girlfriend, went grocery shopping, and cooked breakfast for myself. I checked my mail and picked up the awesome DVD of music that sobriquet sent to me. And the best part was that I didn't sit down at my computer (or even turn it on; yes, it was OFF overnight) until my food was ready (which wasn't until after 9:30, so I was starved by then). I listened to Dark Side of the Moon twice this morning, to good effect. It didn't depress me; merely smoothed me out. Even Time, which has often been the ultimate despair song for me, held new insight. While Time advocates not sitting on your hands because time is running out (OH NOS!!1!), I realized today that that sentiment was ruining my life. Somewhere between pretending you have all the time in the world and rushing around like a decapitated chicken to complete all the things you 'need' to do is the ability to pace oneself. I think I realized that long ago, but didn't realize that my pace could be much more on the "all the time in the world" side of the balance. It's been a classic case of half-starting everything and therefore finishing nothing for me. For now, I'm going to try to cut back on doing as many things at once as possible in favor of slowly and deliberately doing one thing and one thing only. And it's painful. But going faster is not getting me anywhere; I'm just spinning my wheels.

Supression of the self, or the self-image, is fairly difficult. It means an end to shame, an end to worry, an end to others' opinions of you. I am how I am, ever growing, ever moving forward, because you can't move backward. I'm no longer dedicated to seizing the day, sucking the marrow out of life, or giving it my best. I'm going to give it what I can afford; which turns out to be quite a lot with time prudently invested (rather than thrown around willy-nilly). But I won't be dissatisfied to the point of frustration; I will keep trying and seeing what improves. If nothing does, well, I'll just try something else.

But none of this means squat if I don't get to the lab today, even for a little while. Tonight, I have work, during which I will hopefully have time to start reading GEB: EGB.

I'm also compiling a mental list of the people I would like to get back in touch with.

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