The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good
eideteker

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Duty Now, For the Future

And, on an entirely seperate note, and therefore an entirely seperate entry, I realized something after talking to my therapist yesterday about my father. In never talking about my grandfather, the dastardly Nat II, he was trying to spare me my heredity. He wanted to raise me to despite the control his father (think Darth Vader) had over him (think Luke Skywalker; I know he did. When we first got The Legend of Zelda, he named his Link "SKYWALKR"—it only allowed you 8 characters). I'm his living nature/nuture experiment. But you can't fight genetics; just as there are parts of my father in me, so must there be parts of my grandfather. The one thing that nature vs. nuture combatants on both sides forget is the thing I am learning to exercise for myself: Choice. Because to me, either system is deterministic. And I can't get behind that. I don't play that way.

And when I choose my legacy for Nat V (the hypothetical), I will hope to leave him the legacy of choice, whether he chooses to be himself or to be part of the machine. Because how can you choose not to be yourself? Me, I'm allowing myself to be more human, as my father always wanted, and less machine. I'm starting to realize why there are moments where I inexplicably want to cry at seemingly random times. I let myself feel the need for other people, and I'm actually growing as a person because of it. And meeting strangers as people, not as obstacles and annoyances. I realize they're coming from the same place as I am: inside, where it's lonely at times. And I realize about myself now that I am still growing, which is odd because now that I feel I'm still growing I feel I'm no longer a "kid". Perhaps it is like the wise man realizing he is the fool. I know nothing, but that's a start. The goal of (my) life is my favorite thing: to learn.
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