The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good
eideteker

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State of the uNFion

Ladies, Johns, and Esteemed Shareholders, I'd like to welcome you all tonight to my annual State of the uNFion address for the fiscal year March 2002-3. If you are reading this prospectus, it is because you are employed by, investing in, generally interested by, or somehow related to The Rubbertree Division of The Shiny Red Ball Corporation. I'd like to thank you for being here tonight, because somewhere, sometime along the way, you have contributed to making this organization as great as it is today. Yes, I know it's great; we all do. But how great?

Recent market studies show that we are achieving brand recognition. When people think of N@, they think of h0s, straight up. This is the way to succeed in today's market: to become a category killer. When you think of personal stereo equipment, you think of Sony's Walkman/Discman line. You don't ask someone to pass you a tissue, you ask for a Kleenex. No one goes "in-line skating", they go Rollerblading. All of these are registered trademarks. In the north, the debate may rage on between soda and pop, but in the South, it's all called Coke. This is the type of market strategy we have been aiming for all along. And we're succeeding.

To this date, the h0mmandments have been accepted and ratified in forty-three states and five territories. Our goal is to set the standard, and at this point, no one even comes close. Which is why we are ready for the next step.

Right now, the cost of operations on both coasts of the US and in Europe and Australia are killing us. At this point, the only logical move for us is to expand ourselves in a way that reduces our operational overhead. We must subcontract. And already, we have Ivy League graduates lining up to organize locally for us. We're looking to increase market capitalization while reducing costs, all at a big benefit to you, the shareholder. We will begin licensing the Silky Smooth name at $5,000, plus residuals. Or for a Segway Human Transporter, because I really want one of those. We've carefully calculated our pricing factors to ensure your investment, but we are confident that the market is ready for this. John Q. Consumer wants this. It's Silky Smooth at a global level, for everyone. No one else has even dreamt of what will be, one year from now, a reality in twenty out of the top fifty mass market cities in the U.S. alone. And native speakers in their own lands will be able to lend their own cultural acceptability to our product, facilitating worldwide distribution.

Ladies and Johns, I stand before you tonight as a man with a vision. With your investment dollars, you will all stand here, next to me, in the coming year... with a reality. A reality that will not only be reflected in our market share, or your dividends, but in the heart of every American and the eye of every child. We stand here, on the brink of something that will change the world, with your help.

I promised to be brief tonight, so thank you. Good evening.

Jesus Shakwon,
Executive Vice President or Some Shit
The Shiny Red Ball Corp., Rubbertree Div.
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