The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good

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The Dream Nothing

If it gives you an idea, as an allegory, these are slender slivers of my dreaming last night.

I dreamt that I was back at Cornell, but I'd snuck my way in, masquerading as a student. No place to stay, no place to eat, I went to a dining hall and swiped my student ID, cracked and broken in half as is was it still worked. I didn't have a meal plan, so my total just showed up as -$25.17; more money I owed Cornell. Great, but whatever, I could eat. So I got a tray of crap and wandered my way to a table with Joe and Milo and maybe someone else, possibly an artificial identity forged by the dream. We talked and ate and gradually I became more at ease, but not much.

All the time, I had a dream of just barely making it, just barely passing (for a student or as a student). So now my dreams are telling me I can't do it, but it's the kind of denial that's not quite a dare but leaves room for a challenge, like my mind's tipped its hand and given me the idea that I can do it, or why else would it be so vehemently denying that I could? Ha! Stupid mind.

I am not all very one way or the other about this whole thing; I'm swinging back one way then the other, whipping like a severed high tension wire in every direction. What I do need to do is find an apartment in Ithaca. I may have to contact 120 Wait (if anyone who still lives there knows me) and ask for crash space while I'm up there to look at places. What I need before that, though, is to have listings in hand and appointments for the weekend I'm up there. I haven't had luck finding pure listings online, just sites for apartment complexes, which are not what I want (often more expensive). My next step is trying to get a subscription to maybe the Ithaca Journal and see if they will deliver it by mail. I should also contact banks in the area in case I need a job because if they won't promote me to the platform down here and I can get a floor job up there and pay my own rent in my own place, I'll go. I still don't know how I will pay for school, but I'll do it somehow. Gotta contact the HR department at CFCU and M&T and who else is up there?

Gotta e-mail the dean, gotta clean my room, gotta put all my CDs in the rack, gotta clean out my mini-fridge.

I'm going to leave comments on, but please please please no "you can do this" or "yay, good for you" comments. I haven't done it yet. What I need is help, so anyone with a lead on some living space in Ithaca or a contact with whom I can stay or a possible job can let me know. But I can't deal with blind support right now. It makes me nervous. I know you're out there, and I know you want the best for me, but I've got to be kinetic right now. I have too much potential and it's just dissipating vacuously; I don't need more hope or potential promises. Just action.

As the motto atop my whiteboard says, "NOW."

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