The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good
eideteker

  • Mood:
  • Music:

The Dream Nothing

If it gives you an idea, as an allegory, these are slender slivers of my dreaming last night.

I dreamt that I was back at Cornell, but I'd snuck my way in, masquerading as a student. No place to stay, no place to eat, I went to a dining hall and swiped my student ID, cracked and broken in half as is was it still worked. I didn't have a meal plan, so my total just showed up as -$25.17; more money I owed Cornell. Great, but whatever, I could eat. So I got a tray of crap and wandered my way to a table with Joe and Milo and maybe someone else, possibly an artificial identity forged by the dream. We talked and ate and gradually I became more at ease, but not much.

All the time, I had a dream of just barely making it, just barely passing (for a student or as a student). So now my dreams are telling me I can't do it, but it's the kind of denial that's not quite a dare but leaves room for a challenge, like my mind's tipped its hand and given me the idea that I can do it, or why else would it be so vehemently denying that I could? Ha! Stupid mind.

I am not all very one way or the other about this whole thing; I'm swinging back one way then the other, whipping like a severed high tension wire in every direction. What I do need to do is find an apartment in Ithaca. I may have to contact 120 Wait (if anyone who still lives there knows me) and ask for crash space while I'm up there to look at places. What I need before that, though, is to have listings in hand and appointments for the weekend I'm up there. I haven't had luck finding pure listings online, just sites for apartment complexes, which are not what I want (often more expensive). My next step is trying to get a subscription to maybe the Ithaca Journal and see if they will deliver it by mail. I should also contact banks in the area in case I need a job because if they won't promote me to the platform down here and I can get a floor job up there and pay my own rent in my own place, I'll go. I still don't know how I will pay for school, but I'll do it somehow. Gotta contact the HR department at CFCU and M&T and who else is up there?

Gotta e-mail the dean, gotta clean my room, gotta put all my CDs in the rack, gotta clean out my mini-fridge.

I'm going to leave comments on, but please please please no "you can do this" or "yay, good for you" comments. I haven't done it yet. What I need is help, so anyone with a lead on some living space in Ithaca or a contact with whom I can stay or a possible job can let me know. But I can't deal with blind support right now. It makes me nervous. I know you're out there, and I know you want the best for me, but I've got to be kinetic right now. I have too much potential and it's just dissipating vacuously; I don't need more hope or potential promises. Just action.

As the motto atop my whiteboard says, "NOW."
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 7 comments