The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good

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You know what it's like?

It's not you; it's really not. It's that whenever I get IMed, it's by three or four people at the same time. One sentence is trisected by three seperate window manifestations. Suddenly, I'm freaking out and clicking little X's like I was playing Whack-a-Mole.

Well, okay. I'm not gonna do that anymore. I'm going to take my time and reply, eventually. I'm not going to be that guy.

I feel a lot of the time like I have nothing to say. Or if I do, it's nothing the other person wants to hear. When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed. Say nothing once; why say it again?

I feel a lot of pressure to be charming or witty or interesting. Or to listen and be supportive. I just want to dream into a microphone, or a keyboard. I also want to avoid being annoying. I ask people not to use a particular turn of phrase with me, and they respond by playfully trying to find loopholes. It horrifies me; I think: "My God, am I like that with people?" I think I should shut up, a lot. Old habit. I mean, really; who wants to feign interest while I make jokes about electrons "enlarging their p-ness"?

I'm boring, but I listen, dammit. I'm going to get that back; I'm going to win that back.

And no, this doesn't include those messages waiting for me at three AM, even if I do wake up, and you're still online. I will be going back to sleep.

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