At the top of that list are girls. To have them talk to me, to see them, to rest against them, to think about them; any of these renders me at peace. It's that look I've seen on morgaine's face when she thinks of vinz_klortho. Hee. I love being transfixed by beauty. I find myself looking at pictures of women or the women themselves a lot. Sometimes I wonder if that makes me creepy. I hope not. I just get lost in it. I maintain it's because I'm a romantic and therefore hopeless anyway. If people think I'm creepy, then they're looking to hard at me and not hard enough at beauty.
I love to watch girls sleep. I think that's a universal, though.
You know music is next. Singing, dancing, whatever it is. It's a kind of expression that brings a joy not even writing can give me. I throw a lot more of myself into my writing, so I take it more seriously; I can't laugh it off if something goes wrong the way I can just miss a note... or an entire key.
Discovery... scientific, exploratory, even a logical twist; anything that strikes me as new and fascinating and that allows me to claim that I, on my own two legs (metaphysical or actual), came to find something.
And nature; just looking at anything natural. A spider scurrying across my wall, a drop of dew, people fearing rain as though it were poisonous acid... any act of observation.
I'm writing again. Figures; all it took was losing some sleep. I guess I can't write when I'm well-rested. Don't need drugs, just insomnia to be creative. Maybe if I become a rock star, I will be the first to die of sleep deprivation, as compared to the many overdoses in rock history. It would be just like me to be different like that.
Where's the challenge?
I like to be different, I like to handicap myself. A little too much, if you ask me. I don't like to do anything that's not a challenge, to myself or to society, and it occurred to me today for the first time in a few years that maybe it's affecting my social life. For starters, I'm just generally not interested in a girl unless she's older, when society tells us that the man is "supposed" to be older. I can see it in the DoB's listed on the joint accounts in the bank. The man is older, nine times out of ten. It's one of the few ways that society still discriminates (at least, around here, where I don't see much "rascism"—your mileage and isms may vary), along with weight and handedness. Don't get me started on handedness. But anyhow; sometimes I wonder if my dad and mom both weren't prey to this particular beastie. Why else get married to someone of a different race and then move to MISSOURI of all places?
And what's up with this distance shit? Even since middle—no—grade school, I've had this annoying tendency to be interested in girls only if they live farther away then I can get. There was that girl at the fireman's picnic those two years; we never saw each other otherwise. I could argue that we got along because there was no one else even remotely intelligent our age or otherwise to hang out with, and maybe that's it. But the track record doesn't end there. What about the Slovenian opair girl who was going back home in a month? Sure, she was hot, and was willing to talk to me for hours and hours. Is it me? I mean, I guess I can't remember any other girls, not locally, who were willing to talk so fervently and prolongedly with me. Then there was the chick at Lafayette; the only time I've used a pick-up line and also the only time I've had one work. You could argue that when you expand your circle to include the world, you are, of course, more inclined to find like minds than you would be in your own city. But surely there should be someone in New York City for me, at least for the time being. Why is she not also on the internet and seeking someone, if she's so like me?
Or maybe she's so much like me she's already halfway in love with someone halfway around the world from her...
Where will I go when it all ends? Back.
"At least I got laid, at least I got laid. And though the memories fade away, at least I got laid."