One thing we established in the old days is that I am really good at pushing people away. REALLY good. And the more I care, the more I push. Why do I need to prove to myself that you won't go away? That's all I'm doing; administering some stupid trial by fire. It's so completely and totally stupid.
Maybe. One thing I need is to be myself. I don't have many opinions, but the ones I do hold are steadfast. And sometimes they seem evil. So I hold evil beliefs. And I like to debate, even though I'm not great at it. I don't know; I was having fun last night until everyone's feelings started getting hurt.
It's not really that; it's also to do with someone I've known for a little while. Suddenly our faux rivalry on the channel was real? What's up with that? And then it became other people's business, which I thought was funny. At first.
It's not my intent to hurt. To annoy, maybe. I'm mostly looking to entertain. And to shout, shout, let it all out. Nothing means anything. I'm not advocating the holocaust. I don't hate you. I'm not the nicest guy in the world, but I'm in the running.
Meh, I'm mostly worried about losing the respect of someone who was very nice to me last week all just because she isn't used to the Dark/N@ distinction. If there's one thing I need now, it's friends. And to learn that you can make them without testing them first.
This only scrapes the surface of what I wanted to say, and that irritates me. Knowing this entry won't change anything irritates me more.