The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good
eideteker

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Naveed + This song = N@ not kill self

A copy of the Rush FAQ is floating around somewhere. I'm not in the mood to google it. This song was written in response to a student suicide at MIT. I have already posted it in songwerds, but I am annotating it in my own journal. If you cannot handle me dealing with suicide, please move on.


Proud swagger out of a school yard
Waiting for the world's applause
[always the clown, aren't I? Always have to be earning someone's respect regard. Well, I wasn't getting it at college. I assume neither was this kid.]
Rebel without a conscience
Martyr without a cause
Static on your frequency
[I always felt this as a child; this line struck a chord with me]
Electrical storm in your veins
Raging at unreachable glory
Straining at invisible chains
[All the time. The angst of adolescence.]

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
[Heartless sea. The world doesn't give a shit about me, does it? No matter how special my parents say I am. No matter how destined for greatness I'm believed to be.]
Can't face life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be
[Obviously not.]

All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
[I do that... but sometimes... I just can't. I can't see... I feel so blind why can't I SEE?]
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars

turn around and turn around and turn around

Turn around and walk the razor's edge
Don't turn your back and slam the door on me
[that line always caught me; I felt guilty for every slammed door ever. That's what suicide is, isn't it? A final slam of the door LA LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU. It forever cast the idea of suicide as childish in my mind; something I was above doing casually to prove a point.]

[I'm usually crying by now]

It's not as if this barricade
Blocks the only road
[Sure fucking FEELS LIKE IT.]
It's not as if you're all alone
In wanting to explode
[That line saved my life. Possibly other people's. Sometimes I felt so alone, so stifled, so neglected... I wanted to lash out. I wanted to matter. I wanted to spit in the heartless sea. I wanted to shout FUCK EVERYBODY from a hole torn in my skin with a knife. To write with blood on the surface of the earth indelibly forever. But no, let's not be childish again. Do you think you're alone, Nat? Don't you think the pressure gets to everyone?]
Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem alright
The act of a noble warrior
[Ajax, at Troy, after losing Achilles armor to Odysseus. Possibly a trivial reference, but as I read the Homeric Epics in high school, that line caught me once again and brought the song back into my mind; kept it with me through college, preserving me.]
Who lost the will to fight

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Don't put life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars

turn around and turn around and turn around

Turn around and walk the razor's edge
Don't turn your back and slam the door on me

[I am definitely crying by now.]

No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
[Coward! This line; this stanza— it's levelled as an accusation. I'm no fucking coward, OKAY? I fucking deal with my problems. Each line dramatizes death and then strips that drama from suicide. I'm left disarmed.]
No salutes to your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate

Christ, what have you done?
[I can hear the blood spatter on the porcelain and tile of the bathroom at this point; the moment of discover was always in time in my mind. I never imagined the singer yelling this to a grave.]

All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars

turn around and turn around and turn around

Turn around and walk the razor's edge
Turn around and walk the razor's edge
Turn around and walk the razor's edge

Don't turn your back and slam the door on me
[it ends cold, like a body drained of life. Sudden and empty silence. And all I want to say is, "Okay, okay, okay I promise I won't do it I'm so sorry..."]
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