February 11th, 2013

Vengeance on Two Wheels

Dunno but today seems kinda odd

I woke up this morning with "an enormous sense of well-being." Maybe not the best way to describe it, but I felt... effective, rather than ineffectual and hopeless. Like: Hey, let's actually try to get stuff done because I bet we can actually accomplish stuff! Depression is a motherfucker. Due to financial considerations (losing my health insurance LOL), I haven't been taking my antidepressants, so it's a bit odd that I have been able to feel better. I guess (as I've posited many times before), my happiness/depression is really most closely tied to money. Sad as that sounds. I'm way happier when I don't have to worry about money. Chalk it up to growing up poor, maybe? So lol chemical imbalance, acually is bank balance. I guess?

Because I got a job. Yep, someone hired me. In December, I made a leap from a plummeting aircraft without a parachute, and shonuff, I have managed to survive. So hurray, income. Well done, guy. What I'm looking forward to most is having a job where I feel competent. Having a job where I start off in a good place (meds, CPAP) and quite possibly kicking ass at it. When a plan comes together and I'm firing on all cylinders, I visualize it in my head as some kind of ninja taking down a whole mess of thugs by channeling his selective attention to respond/react/repulse each attacker one at a time. They're not attacking one at a time, like you see in the movies; that's just how it feels when you're on and time slows and you can dissect every motion so that it seems like they're coming at you one at a time (at least, I imagine that's what the movies were trying to emulate, esp. in the days before widely available slow-mo and Matrix-y type effects). I'm so ready to be there.

By all accounts, I probably shouldn't be feeling so rosy. There's a definite area of pain in my life right now. But I guess that's the point? One aspect of my life (even if it's a biggun) being out of whack doesn't seem to overshadow everything else the way it used to? I can still feel sad about things without being wholesale depressed. It's an improvement, at any rate.
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    Season to Risk - Demand