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Wednesday, January 6th, 2010
14.43 - This is not the post.
You know how folks sometimes talk about being able to feel a storm coming, like in their joints or an old wound? I feel like that now, with writing. I'm about to have something to say, though it may not be profound or interesting to anyone but myself. I'm turning 30 this year, which seems as good a time as any to figure out where I am, and decide where I want to be heading. This is hardly an economy for changes, but then again, there's only ever the present moment.

I've noticed that I'm growing tired of rules, traditions, and guidelines. I've always been of that mindset, but I guess I need to decide whether I can actually make myself capitulate with societal expectations, or if I should just say "fuck it" and try to live life 110% balls-out, whatever the consequences. Whatever the consequences, they will be *mine* and I will own them. Is that what I want, though? I don't know.

I can't stop questioning things, though. I can't stop picking things apart. I can't stop railing against perceived imperfections. I am having a harder and harder time accepting the state of the world. I'm not looking to megalomaniacally reshape it in my own image, but I just can't blindly assent to things. I've tried doing all these things, with varying amounts of success, but as wearying as it is for most people to fight these sorts of daily battles, it's tiring for me to say and do nothing.

I'm worried I don't know how to surrender.

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