February 29th, 2008

The old pain

In grade school, I was on a basketball team. In practice, I used to get these horrible cramps. My knee would just lock up and refuse to let go. I couldn't relax it; massage wouldn't work, and the pain was terrible. The only way I could ever figure out to get through it was to extend my leg. It felt like I was tearing every tissue in my leg doing so, but once it was extended the pain would abate. I feel a lot like that right now, except metaphysically/existentially. If only I could extend my leg, I'd feel a lot better. Only, I can't find my 'leg' in this case. It's a vaguely defined, intangible place where I ache. And until I can find the thing to do; the wall to punch, the fence to climb, the pit bull to outrun, I'm stuck with the pain and feeling like I'm about to be crushed.

Suffice to say, I'm going to look into going back into regular therapy in the near future. I still think I'd fix a lot of things I perceive as broken in my life (weight, confidence, insomnia, anxiety, depression to name a few) with regular vigorous exercise and a better diet.

There's been an outbreak of Name That Tune on my friendslist, so I posted some lyrics to namethattune. Feel free to jump in.

I feel right now like I'm trying to fill in the blank in this sentence: "My life would be great right now if only _________." I had perspective? Appreciation (of my circumstances, not other people appreciating me)? Closer friends/friends closer (I really need to cultivate my network here; most of the friends I have I know of through riding and it's been too cold/icy for much of that)? I know my life is pretty close to perfect, but I feel like I'm missing something. Not a vague malaise or the basic fact that life is never perfect. I feel like there's a genuine lack, a hole, something (almost) tangible missing.

I'm going to put together a list of things I need/want/would like, and then start pruning. The 3-5 items that stay I will break down into discrete tasks I can attack. There's got to be a better way.
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