February 9th, 2006

Prof. Ned Brainard

The Nature of Funk Explained

Alison: I can't understand why Funk & Wagnall's never went for anything like "We put the funk in information"
N@: I can, but I'm not sharing
Alison: Ha ha
Alison: Maybe because it's awful?
Alison: But seriously, why waste good funk?
Alison: It's IN THE NAME
Alison: You have to use it!
N@: You can't waste funk
N@: Funk is conserved
N@: Like energy and mass
Alison: Funk is neither created nor destroyed?
N@: Funk is converted into groove at a rate of F = mg^2
N@: Where M is music
N@: Funk is composed of funkdamental particles called Funkons
N@: And antiparticles called funkoffs
N@: Funkons have a fundamental spin or "swing" which can be either up or down
Alison: Man, you have that all written out, don't you
Alison: Or you should if you don't
N@: Which is why funkicians are always either trying to get up or get down
N@: The master funkician Duke Ellington derived the existence of this quantity in the early 20th century
N@: "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing"
N@: i.e., a funkon cannot exist without a funkdamental quantity of swing, up or down
N@: If you cannot get "up" or "down", the waveform, or rather, grooveform, collapses
N@: It's a funkdamental property of the tuniverse
  • Current Music
    Billy Idol - Dancin with Myself