October 6th, 2003

Relaxing... a little

Do you shee the beasht?

Today eats a great big ball of shut up! There was too much going on and not enough work done! But at the end of the day, I rate things on how I acquitted myself, and I think I acquitted myself quite well today. There was a general air of (begrudged, as I was continually interrupted) enthusiasm, and comportment was up 12%!

...as semiliterate office drones jockey for more wpms oblivious to the way the sunrise tints the wings of the departing pigeons...

I should probably take my bike back to the bike shop for more crap put on it (gel seat, anyone?) and then look at apartments tomorrow. Oh, and I also somehow have to have time to do the laundry. WHATEVER because Friday I am going to take my bike OUT and DO SOMETHING or SOMETHING ohhhh yeah says the kool-aid man. Actually, come to think of it, I should just do the laundry after work Wed (though I hate having to rush to get to the 'mat before it closes) and go to the bike store after work on Thursday. I do not want to waste Friday apartment shopping, though I may want to waste part of it on the phone with Cornell's Financial Aid asking them where the hell my application is and why I haven't heard from them re: the huge bags of cash they were going to grant to me for the remainder of my education. I woke up this morning, for the first time since high school, feeling like I could go to Cornell. Not that I wanted to; I've wanted to plenty of times. But it was a sickly sort of creepy wanting, like a self-loathing guy who wants a pretty girl for his and his alone. Not quite like that, but not a healty, robust desire. I woke up thinking "I could do this. Here is what I need to do: A. B. C. ..." Well, hey. Since I left for depression, that's a pretty big fucking step toward going back. Now I just have to keep myself from pussing out. I think the busier I am, the less time I have to agonize and the more tangible those deadlines become. My mom is shifting her apartment hunting back a bit till after the holidays, so I may be ok with not getting a place until I go back in January IF that is what I am doing. I really need to know that soon. Again, this is good. My outlook so far (the past three years) has been oh god I don't want to know about going back because I will just fail again and I'm not ready. All the "You can do it!"s in the world don't mean shit if I don't think I can. You're sweet to offer them, but this is really not your battle. Now I just have to keep up this momentum without suddenly sinking back into a depressed state. And to think, I sat down thinking to write a short little entry just because and here I am expanding into some real territory. I feel like writing this has helped me keep up my momentum.

Lots of stuff has been pushing me lately. I think I am definitely jealous of Katelyn's wacky at school adventures. I don't have any patents yet, so I need to ride the salary train for a bit longer, and I'm starting to see that cap looming up ahead. After a bit, the only way up is through time, not ability. I have plenty of ability, but little time. I can be a complacent fuck, but I'm really impatient. I'm like a Type A Buddhist or something.

Queue Renton's little "Choose Life" shhpiel, Moneypenny. And btw, talking like Sean Connery is an eggschellent way to keep yershelf amuzhed...
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