January 20th, 2002



I am going to be spending a LOT of time listening to the Music Choice channels on digital cable. They play Rush, Hum, Aimee Mann & Michael Penn...

I'm in heaven! It's like a WinAMP playlist of songs I don't have.

You can't count the number of OH HOLY CRAP moments I've had. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY ARE PLAYING XXXXXX!"

I am eating cinnamon rolls and trying to remember what I wanted to write yesterday and decide if I should write what I am thinking about writing today.

I'm also worried about responsibility. I have Monday off, so I shall make a concerted effort to put some work into top5. How can I hope to maintain one of the most highly trafficked lj communities if I can't even keep up with that one?

I got bored reading Brave New World this morning, so I skipped ahead to read the foreword to BNW Revisited. I like Aldous better when he's writing nonfiction. And there's one point at which he's like: "I am so George Orwell's bitch." Poor guy. I may disagree with most of the premises he build his world on, but it is the more compelling dystopia book.

Look, ma. I said, "dystopia."
  • Current Music
    Goudie - Tonight...
Grrr!, Dammit!

"Oh no! Professor Jigglypuff is using his exPOUND attack!"

I will expand on what I mentioned earlier; the post I was not sure I wanted to make.


Before I continue, let me caution you that what I have to say will possibly shock or bore you. That is, unless I chicken out and don't say it.

Love's an interesting thing-a-ma-bob. I'm beginning to understand love less as an affinity for a specific person as for a situation. After all, love is supposed to be, at its most basic, a bond. An elastic tether of relationship. Some are longer than others, some hold you tighter. And if stretched, they can break. Life with love is the constant attempt to achieve a (non-static) equilibrium with the thousand rubberbands that invisibly tie us to everyone we know and everyone they know.

Sometimes, a violent move is required to keep yourself from getting stuck, or worse, torn to pieces by competing forces. And sometimes you have to remain perfectly still, despite the restlessly changing dynamic that surrounds you.

Rather than people, you fall in love with a situation; with your relationship to them. So often I've tried to develop a merely flirtatious relationship further only to find I'd like to go back. But you can't; the dynamic's already changed. Don't get me wrong; I'm not advocating complete immobility. As I said, sometimes you have to move to stay whole, to stay free.

At this point, you're expecting me to say something about the "true art being knowing when to move and something something the silence between the notes." Well, there, I've said it. But the problem I'm coming to grips with is illusion. Rather than focus on the tangible bond, invisible as it is, we focus on the person at the other end. We try to change them, rather than change the bond between us. At one point, I agonized about how to get closer to this friend, or that one, without "ruining things." But what I did not see was that at least as much as I loved the person, I loved the situation. The nature of the relationship.

In our efforts to get closer to the person, we disregard the bonds. The elastic that ties us to one another slackens if we get closer than the elasticity that held us together allows, and our inertia will carry us straight past what we'd aimed for. That's the art of tension, seen through Newton's First Law. The force that holds us together also holds us apart.

You ask, "What am I supposed to do? How does your 'novel' view of matters blah blah blah." I never promised you a solution.

"love— love will tear us apart... again"
  • Current Music
    Pop Will Eat Itself - Games Without Frontiers

A man can tell a thousand lies...

Sometimes the subtlest movement can also change the bonds the most.

One simple question can yield the most torrential flood of confession.

Someone I can best describe as a friend (now, after such an admission), recently told me about his transgendered condition. It was all very cool, and there was no laughter but what was shared between the two of us. None of it was unilateral and derisive. I would expect no less from myself.

And yet, I recall the six-foot-plus Cornell book store employee who was obviously at the beginning phase of his transition. We had to laugh; it was just too comical. I knew even then, and I still joked, though only once hopefully out of earshot. I meant no slight on the person. But surely s/he must have known how silly she looked. I hope he could admit that and laugh at herself. I hope I can admit the same about myself, and laugh just as heartily.

Look at me, I'm all cool and funny like when we listened close to BasketCase and noticed how Green Day switched the gender of the psychiatrist back and forth. See, it's funny because they said he, and then they said she, but they were still talking about the same person! And yes, we checked the liner notes, and they did highlight in bold print the toggling-gender pronouns. So clever.

But the escape; the tense flight with giggles stifled until a safe distance was achieved; that makes me worry. It breeds paranoia. I have trouble doubting that the person I talked to envisioned me laughing once I escaped her proximity. Dammit, the laughter still echoes years after I wish I could quell it with violent punches. And the worst thing about unattached laughter; laughter to which you can attach no external source; it becomes directed at you. So as it echoes down the halls of time, and he catches it with his ear, will he hesitate to ask, "Are they laughing at me?"

No, we're laughing at the situation. That makes everything better.
  • Current Music
    s.t.p. art school girl
Aww yeah

I have decided.

If I ever do get a cel phone, the ring tone will be either "Bulls on Parade" or "Aqualung."

The Scene, A Business Meeting
Chairman: And so you see our profit margins—
*beepbeep deedle beepbeep deedle-eedle-eddle*
Our profit mar—
*beepbeep deedle beepbeep deedle-eedle-eddle*
Our profit—
*beepbeep deedle beepbeep deedle-eedle-eddle*

The view from up here

Rumble & Fall

And in this moment,
there's the spark of life
her lips spread thin
like the blade of a knife

And I fall to her
like rain to the earth
and we soak together
rich in our worth

Like heaven and earth
eyes met and held
never to break
we're the strongest weld

Southward we fly
in a V-formation
We're become clouds
of our sweet condensation

Like teardrops we fall
for joy or for pain
Our love is constant
and falls like the rain.
  • Current Music
    The Cult: Behind the Music