The movie was good. I was thinking of deus ex machina and feedback loops on the way home, and suicide, thanks to the movie
. As I was walking down the streets to my apartment from the bus stop two towns over, I thought about walking in the middle of the street like I used to. Only I never used to do it so late at night, wearing all black, on such a poorly-lit road where people like to drive straddling the double yellow line at ludicrous speeds. I thought, I've lived a happy and fulfilling life. I could die now with no regrets
. That's such a comforting thought. I thought seriously about growing a goatee today, but I can't grow a goatee (yet). I could, however, cause my own death. Isn't life screwy?
If I was gone, would you miss me?
Sure, I had CDs in my bag I hadn't yet listened to, but hey, I'm not gonna care too much if I'm dead. I still elected against it, settling instead for doing it on a smaller, though equally ill-driven street. Sure enough, down the main hill and around the curves came an unladen flatbed truck driving at what must have been 50 or 60 mph. But then, I wasn't really gambling with my life. A car comes down that hill like that, even at 2AM, about every five or ten minutes. And it takes about 12 min to walk down the hill.
If I died, would you cry?
I don't think I want people to mourn my passing. Acknowledge it, sure, but don't delude yourself; I'm not that important. I never was, and after I'm gone, I'll be even less so. Grief is such a unique state of emotion. Don't feel bad if you don't cry for me; the most common reaction, in my experience, to death is detachment. Humans, with all our patterns and heuristics, don't deal very well with a sudden and irrevocable change like the loss of someone's life. It's better just to shut off that part and then deal with it gradually. Or not at all, in my case. I've never grieved at a funeral. I've never mourned the death of anyone. I might mourn one of my grandmothers. I don't really know. I do wonder what will happen when my mother dies. Will I be stoic, or will I emote? Would it make my mother sad to know I probably won't cry at her funeral? And what does it say about me that I've never even considered whether or not I'd grieve my dad?
I'll fix this up, as I need to link everything from my albums page, but here's a list of what I bought:
The Cult - Love
Echo and the Bunnymen - Songs to Learn & Sing ( yay, +1 to my indiekids stat, +3 to my poser score for buying a best of compilation )
Ednaswap - Wacko Magneto ( the ball bearing in the spine! The original version of Torn! Well worth a buck! )
Fountains of Wayne - Utopia Parkway
Fugazi - Repeater + 3 Songs ( once again, +s to my indie and poser stats. I also noticed what must be a first edition of 13 songs that looks just like Rush's Hold Your Fire... what's up with that? )
Leona Naess - I Tried to Rock You But You Only Roll
Shiner - The Egg ( WHOOO HA. I got it for $6, THE WEEK IT CAME OUT! Supah plusses to indie and bargain hunter scores, but none to poser because I come from the same hometown as the band =P )
Soul Coughing - Irresistible Bliss ( 12 songs better than Mr. Exciting, which is the best TMBG song ever )
8 CDs for $50 or so bucks, several of them new. I didn't do to badly, even if I spent a little more per CD than I normally would. I did a fair job of clearing out my amazon wishlist, though. Now I need new priorities for what to explore next musically. I also saw the special copper edition Copper Blue, something that might interest the Gimp. Maybe I'll pick it up when I have $30 to burn on one disc.