September 15th, 2001

lord, From this chair of mine...

Music for all times and for end times.

Whatever... I probably posted this in songwerds already.

Take the children and yourself
And hide out in the cellar
By now, the fighting will be close at hand
Don't believe the Church and State
And everything they tell you
Believe in me; I'm with the High Command

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me running?
Can you hear me calling you?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me running?
Can you hear me calling you?

There's a gun and ammunition
Just inside the doorway
Use it only in emergency
Better you should pray to God
The Father and the Spirit
Will guide you
And protect you from up here

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me running?
Can you hear me calling you?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me running?
Can you hear me calling you?

Swear allegiance to the flag;
Whatever flag they offer
Never hint at what you really feel
Teach the children quietly
For some day sons and daughters
Will rise up and fight
While we stood still...

Can you hear me?
Can you hear me running?
Can you hear me calling you?
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me running?
Can you hear me calling you?

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me running?

Can you hear me calling you?

Can you hear me running? Can you hear me calling you?

Hear me calling you... hear me running, babe

Callin you callin you

Gonna take a little time to slice this song to bits. It's probably my favorite, or at least, most influential (non-Rush) song of the 80's. That says a LOT if you know anything about me and 80's music. This song is a part of me. Don't believe me? It runs 6:13. I was born on 6-13. Cool, eh?

This song is what I thought when I saw the plane hit. Not what I thought OF, what I thought. This is a song for when the shit goes down. Right before the OTHER shit goes down. This is the oh shit we're under attack song, quick run and hide; it's gonna get bad. This is like... we have five minutes or less to move before war breaks out. GET IN THE CELLAR NOW. Here are my final instructions, I'm going out there to protect us. If I fail, I won't be coming back, so you might as well pray your gods protect you if that happens because there will be no one else left to do it.

It's a very bleak and desolate song. I always have that sense of dust-clogged skies, made all too real recently; a daytime greyness like and unlike night. Just one family, isolated, possibly among the last holdouts.

This is also a song of defeat. We have lost. This is how we minimize losses; this is where we cut them and run. Say good-bye to me, because though I go to fight, I have already said good-bye to hope.

This song changed me as a child because of one line... "Swear allegiance to the flag, whatever flag they offer..." because that made me think about all the times we said the pledge in class, and how hollow it all was. It could be any colorful rag, as long as we kids were told to salute it. "Don't believe the Church and State..." ok, fine. I never liked those guys anyway. My sedition was not hard-fought.

And you all don't care one fuck. You wish I'd used lj-cut. Bite my ass. No, a little to the left. No, not like that— ahh, yeah, that's the spot.

Right now, this song is real to me. Little else is.

"By now, the fighting will be close at hand..."
  • Current Music
    Mike + The Mechanics - Silent Running.mp3

Daily Reflections

Today was a day. A very... a day.

"Cut and paste... are you sitting down?
A hint of suspense when the telephone rings
This is forever."

My mother, my grandma (not my grammy, for the confused) and I went down to Ru!-Ru!-Rutgers (how my mom says it; she's an alum, go figger) to see my brother. We drove down the turnpike, looking for airplanes, and then marvelling when we saw one like it was a new invention of some kind. "I see one! Look! An airplane!" Sickening.

We drove past Newark Airport (where my uncle works; though that's subject to change; (in)Continental is laying of 12,000), examining the daily proceeding there with the slightest of fear. My mother still hasn't made her flight to California. Which is something we talked about later; something I will talk about later. We drove past the Meadowlands, looking at the skyline, almost unidentifyable now, except for the pillar of smoke and dust still rising from downtown Manhattan.

Smoke still rising. "I'm on... the air... you breathe..."

Blah blah Rutgers was boring and my mom and I got in a skirmish over the radio volume. She doesn't like it very loud at all because my grandmother in the back is right by the speakers and can't hear to make conversation. That's the point, though. I wouldn't even complain, but I keep the volume very low as is. And it's not like my grandma ever says anything. She talks a lot, but doesn't say much, y'know? Doesn't matter; I just sing louder. Someday I will have my own damn car with my own damn radio. And my grandma will not be allowed in it, because I will have the windows down, the radio on, and there will be no talking about Helen this and Dottie that.

"Man makes a car she's your destination builds a road to run them on
Man dreams of leaving, but he always stays behind."

On the way back, we had an ass-tastic dinner at Appleby's. Mine was so bad, it was free. Good. I caught a girl making eye contact with me. She was all of... four? Hee hee. Yeah, I'm a real ladies man. I would have been bitter except that I caught some decent-looking women checking me out in the mall earlier, so my self-confidence was (relatively) intact. I kept her amused with that thing I can do with my eyes... namely play pong with them. It was fun. I said, "Bye!" when we left, so hopefully she's not afraid of all strangers, or at least strange people. Sadly, I'm getting to the age where you can't really do that kind of thing anymore without people looking at you funny for liking little kids too much. Fuck you, I'm no pederast. It's not my fault adults are so fucked up. I like kids because they're largely free from prejudices and anger. Even if that makes me sound like Holden Fucking Caulfield. And the children of the world NEED to laugh right now.

The ride home was worse. The lights of the city underlit the rising dust cloud, accentuating it. On the way home, my mother and I mourned the loss of the Windows on the World restaurant; arguably the best in the world.

"Midnight... is where the day begins."

There's a candlelit vigil tomorrow, but I think I will stay home. I'm a very private mourner, which is why my online presence has been somewhat sparse; all of my conversation terse. Hooray, I have a new job, and bought some new clothes and I picked out some really nice colors because I really do have a sense of style even though I hide it behind a macho facade. "In the end, it doesn't even matter."
  • Current Music
    Jimmy Eat World - Bleed American / At the Drive-in - Napoleon Solo / Rage Against the Machine - No Shelter / U2 - Lemon / Jawbox - Iodine / Tugboat Annie - Stop

Aimless Tour

I need a

big looooan

from the

uh-girlgrrl zone

I need a big big bone loan

from uhh

guhhhhrl zone
  • Current Music
    Tori Amos - Caught A Light Sneeze