July 12th, 2001

Roland, The Gunslinger

San Francisco Treats

Yay!

Spent the BEST DAY EAVER in San Fran with Michelle, Alison, and Logan (TEH BOY!!!11!). Soooo much fun. I ran down Lombard Street (twice), both times illegally, in TEH STRETE, and ran up it once to go back down. Well, I had to. I'd forgotten to take a picture of it from the top.

I'm learning stuff about myself on this trip. Important revelations. Those are always good, even if they feel bad. I know I really love Michelle; I can't look at her and not (I fight the urge to go "awww" or touch it and awkwardly croak: "preee-tee"). I'm also learning about give and take, and when it's good to stand my ground (a lot more often than I used to, apparently). I need to do it more often, if for no other reason than to be able to do it more gently; to be able to say, "This is how I feel," without feeling I've stepped on any feelings. Right now, I'm more at the stage where I say, "This is how I feel, dammit. I'm sorry, but I can't think about how that's going to make you feel because I'm busy working on expressing my emotions."

What a jerk I am. Good thing I wasn't a dumb schmuck; I fell in love with a girl who's understanding, if for no reason other than that she's not perfect herself. Close, but not quite. Sometimes when I look at her, I feel candy-coated spasms of turbulent frustration when I think that there's no possible way I can express just how I feel about her. But then she'll smile at me, and I'll think that maybe she's thinking the same thing, and I'll smile back, and then maybe we'll kiss, and for a second, it will all melt away. Only, of course, to be replaced by the same feelings back again, stronger this time, and out for vengeance.

But fuck it. I got Linkin Park's album (finally), and I'm all rocked out for tonight. Maybe I should listen to the Fountains of Wayne album I (finally) picked up; there's a track on it that's something like, "Baby, Please Don't Rock Me Tonight." Getting up early to make the train to SF sho take it out of a body. And if Michelle hadn't been dawdling online, talking to her many internet boyfriends, I'd be faaaaast asleep by now. So, yeah. Nothing's my fault. Ever.

Well, shit. I hadn't planned on posting actual content. Fuck.

the sun... goes down
I feel that I've betrayed...
  • Current Music
    LP in my head
Grrr!, Dammit!

pit of stomach

Jealousy is unbecoming. Especially when it's unfounded. I've always been the "don't beg for forgiveness, CHANGE already" type, but here I am, finding myself begging for forgiveness, mostly from myself, in the depths of my psyche. Why won't my fears die? And why are they all named Dave?
  • Current Music
    none except maybe the same from my last post 4 seconds ago