May 29th, 2001


"There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all..."

I cannot explain this feeling. But I promised myself last month that I would try to talk about my feelings, at least occasionally, in this journal. Right now, I feel adrift. I'm floating in an ocean of love; such deep care as I've never felt before. But I am without my life preserver. During the day, I cling to driftwood memories of her; fragments of the ship in which I first set sail, blissifully sunning myself in the midst of nowhere. But by the time I get home, the salt and sea have disintegrated what I once held and I need dry land. I need to ground myself in her, beach myself on her shores; whatever cheesy metaphor you want. Work with me here, I'm trying very hard right now.

It's nice to have someone who understands me, finally. It's nice to have someone who is willing to go any distance to keep me. It's nice to have someone who will put up with me, but won't take any of my shit.

Every time we talk, I fall in love again. She's not perfect, sure, but I keep finding so much to love about her, I'm tempted to use the word. So much that just plain works. A few of the people reading this know what an utterly irritating and stupid boyfriend I can be (sorry, girls!), and I don't mean to slight them in this post. They weren't right for me; I wasn't right for them. We weren't right for each other. And of course, now I feel all silly for implying that Michelle and I are. I didn't say that. I have no way to know that, other than to just find out. I don't want to put too much stock in this relationship, but then, why ruin things by selling yourself short? Honest injun, I think I could survive if she's not the one. It's not something I want to think about, and I don't think I'll find another girl like her for a number of years. Decades.

Of course, now I am nervous I said something that will hurt her, particularly the "I could live without her" part. I think I'm just saying, no pressure, let's have fun with it. Sometimes one of us will get too moody or serious or something, turning things into a Greek tragedy, but we always manage to laugh in the end. That's something I treasure.

In the end, that's all that matters to me. That we have fun. I think I needed to realize that and put it into words. I do a lot of putting things into words; it's how I think. When it's in my head, it's all a jumble. It's like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle while holding all the pieces in your hand... I need to put them somewhere first and then straighten them out. Otherwise, when I try to connect two pieces another two will come apart, and seven or eight will get dropped all together. Sometimes the words come out wrong, and sometimes that hurts. But I will not twist up inside. I am too used to that.

I am ending here. I just feel like it.

OLP soon. Live.
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