April 15th, 2001

(no subject)

Some day
when she goes
it will be to come home to me
and not away

"Every time you go away, you take a little piece of me with you."
Now I know that that is not necessarily a bad thing. A little souvenir; something to hold on. You're adding to the other person, not subtracting from yourself.
  • Current Music
    Scissorkicks - Everyday Thing

Blind Melon - No Rain

These lyrics are from memory.... I welcome any corrections. This song was, if there was any, my high school class' song. Freshman year, a band of some of my friends did it at the talent show, and then again our senior year as a reminder. I'm usually opposed to covers, but sometimes the best version of a song is the one you sing with friends, huddled close and hugging, making memories.

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watching the birds gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
And speak my point of view
but it's not sane

I just want someone to save me
I'll always be there when you wake
I'd just like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And why I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away but it's a great escape
Escape... escay-ay-ay-ayayape

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
You don't like my point of view
You think that' I'm insane
Insane... insane

I just want some one to save me oh-oh-oh-oh
I'll always be there when you wake, yeah.
You know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made
Y'know I'm really gonna really gonna really gonna have it made

oh-oh-oh ( x3 )
  • Current Music
    Linkin Park - Crawling
lord, From this chair of mine...

You cannot bury the past in the present, nor deny the future. Well, shit.


I feel sick to my tummy. I think I've been worrying about stuff too much again. I forgot that my incomplete was due tomorrow and now I am freaking way the hell out, because I realize that I am not breaking any patterns. To tell the truth, I don't even really think about Cornell letting me back in at this point, even though I know that I should... I've just given up hope. I just want to start over, close out the world, and take on an English degree one on one, like a maniac. Fuck psychology. I knew that was just a placeholder, but I never knew what I wanted to do. Well, I still want to be a tech writer, inspired by Becca's suggestion of three years ago (they make good money). I want a fucking Ivy League English diploma that says to all the motherfuckers out there "I REPRAZENT" or "I will take whatever assignment you give me

song change... "yes this is the campaign circuit slithered entrail in the cargo bay"

and shitfuck the arnsbarger until it bleeds and it bleeds and it bleeds and finally fucking dies." I want to wrap up all my remaining post-adolescent seething aimless rage and forge it into a blade of the kind of immense strength my parents always blithely believed I'd have. My problem? Maybe you don't know me well enough, but if you do, you'll know it... confidence. I feel like the fucking cliche-ass cowardly lion. Girls don't scare me as much as the prospect of getting a job does. It's just too open-ended for me

song change... "darkness together... we'll bring in the night... in darkness together we ignite"

to deal with. I need somewhere to start. I'm very unfocused. Mentally, I've always been pretty unfocused

song change (yeah, short songs now)... "we are 138... we are 138"

but what can I do? There are all these jobs out there and only one little me. I don't know where I want to work. I have no idea.

Ooh, good song change... "I just want to be loved by you"

Yeah, I guess it's just dickering, and indecision, and plain fear. But it's real, so real. I feel like I can't get over it, but that a real man should just be able to knock it down like a paper wall. C'mon CHUMP! SUCK IT DOWN and GET ON WITH IT. But I am so scared, just scared. WHAT IS FEAR? JUST GET OVER IT, BITCH. But what if it is a real obstacle?

song change... "and now she's found someone else, my Irish angel"

And I also realized that as honest as I claim to be in my journal, and in my life, I can't be really honest until I am honest with myself. I've had bitching sessions in my journal, sure, but that doesn't count. Every day should carry with it its own feelings and thoughts. Yes, I was sad that Becca and I broke up. Yes, I am happy that Michelle loves me. Yes, I am scared shitless about my future right now, and am feeling paralyzed. No, I am not scared of change. Maybe I'm scared to change

song repeat, dammit. it fits my mood

I'm certainly scared I will never change, that I will always stop at the fork rather than forge boldly on. And to think, I've thought of myself as the type of person who would just press on in a straight line, fuck either path. What a total fucking lie.

song change... "that's the irony of this debate / that's the fly that's been left in my cake"

God fucking damn it. I suppose now is as good a time as any to check up on that list of psychiatric referrals that my Gannett counselor gave me. I get paid next week, so I can now afford mental care. Whoo.

last song... "oooooh... Stop."
  • Current Music
    Deftones - Passenger / At the Drive-in - One-armed Scissor / AFI - Porphyria / Misfits - We Are 138 / Scorpions - No One Like You / Jonny Lang - Irish Angel / Shiner - Cake / Pixies - Where Is My Mind
lord, From this chair of mine...


And dammit, all this serves to do is undermine my confidence, which is the one motherfucking thing I feel like I need to make my life perfect, and by perfect, I mean happy. I really am close. And once again, I owe it to my friends. But I also need to pick up some slack. I need to take care of me. I will not be the weakest link in my own life.

But then again, that's the kind of macho thinking that's gotten me where I am, unable to admit weakness or emotions. Dammit, sometimes I hate being a Gemini.
  • Current Music
    Pain - Cap'n Scrub

You cannot measure me

funnelled through filters
these constraining things
I punch through words like walls
I endeavor to capture them
and so be free from them once and for all

I am feeling even sicker... yay... now I will never get my work done by 4:30 tomorrow.
  • Current Music
    PJ Harvey - 50ft Queenie
This is not my beautiful icon.

sad song again

still smiling a little, though. time to leave soon

I have this urge to freestyle about tech support... I'm trying to think of rhymes for "wreck support"

Because hax0ring your shell is bad for your health?
  • Current Music
    Alice in Chains - Nutshell
Hey Brock!

One more observation, sorry.

God, they're like aftershock reverberatins, aren't they?

BIG POST little post little post littlepostlittlepostli'lpost

NEMO! I saw this album in the village with Chrissy! Of course I had to blather on and on about how cool you are after that. :\
  • Current Music
    Spiritualized - Ladies and Gentlemen, We are Floating in Space
lord, From this chair of mine...



I am REALLY feeling this song today... more so than in adolescence... note to self, for study break, transcribe the words tonight. Ha ha ha... maybe even more so after dealing with family. ;)


I am glad I talked to Michelle on the phone this morning. I think it's what's keeping me going right now.
  • Current Music
    Suicidal Tendecies - Institutionalized

A Change? If it was, it will do you good.

My mother and I actually talked today. For real. A conversation.

She asked me how I was feeling and I told her, no lies. I told her I wasn't feeling too good because Becca and I had broken up, and I told her how I was in love with a girl in California named Michelle. She handled it well.

It was way too short, but it's hard to get privacy in my apartment. Especially from my grandmother (not the one I'm staying with; she's on vacation, remember). She said something very mean about me "never" finishing college when I was trying to help my brother figure out his loan situation. God, it took all I had to not rip into her. I really don't like my grandmother, whatever that says about me. She's not a very nice person. But I kept my cool, and didn't even insult her, except with my tone. Some of you know that tone. The childish pedantic voice I use when someone is being "obviously stupid" and I am trying to distill things into the simplest terms for them. God, I'm such an ass.

And I told them that I was going out there in June. My uncle, who works for Continental confirmed that my price for tickets was about the best possible, and I told them all that I had Joe's girlfriend Katy to thank for it (I love you guys! Thanks for the card, Joe. Moai heads ROCK). So now they know at least part of the story.

It was amazing... I walked across the George Washington Bridge, singing the end half of STP's Core at the top of my lungs. I was thinking of Michelle (duh) and how she actually likes my singing voice... and how I can sing with some confidence now, and how important confidence is to me. I thought about how she told her mommy about me, and how I could possibly tell my mother, and I realized a big problem was my grandma, and my inability to trust her. So, I got my mommy aside, out of my grandmother's shrinking earshot.

I did it. And I told my mommy I loved her. I, the child who stopped kissing at 6, and quit hugging at 8, hugged my mom and told her I love her. My poor mom who almost litereally slaved to raise two kids sans pater, two adolescent males with hot tempers, quick to anger, slow to love (my brother is quicker to anger, but also quicker with gestures of love). I'd like to think she was happy.
  • Current Music
    Misfits - Mommy, Can I Go out and Kill Tonight? / Vangelis - One More Kiss, Dear / Shiner - Semper Fi
Hey Brock!


My brother is going to Rutgers. You can attach any congratulations in the comments section here, and then I will e-mail him to make sure he reads this entry. :)
  • Current Music
    Burning Airlines - Crowned