February 1st, 2001

lord, From this chair of mine...

Not evil, per se.

I was watching TV today at lunch with Becca and this ad was on. It looked like one of those evangelical infomercials. Only the guy running the commercial appeared to be suffering from severe mongolism. I mean, he looked like he could be the great uncle of Corky from that show with the anorexic chick. And all I could think of was "The Reverend Jimmy Shockee!!!" after the episode of Quantum Leap where Sam leaps into the body of the mental patient during the electric storm and keeps flashing back to other personalities he's leapt into including a retarded boy and needs to undergo electroshock treatment to regain his full personality prompting him to shout as the Down's Syndrome character, "Give Jimmy Shockee!"
"My God!" you might be heard to say, recoiling in horror, "how on earth could you find that funny? That's appalling!" Search me. I just couldn't stop laughing. It got me started thinking about something that I saw on the cover of a Psychology Today in the counseling center: "Laughter: Why it's not funny." I didn't read the article, so I could only assume it had to do with black humor and the America's "Funniest" Home Videos phenomenon; golf ball + groin = laughter. Why?
I'm not going to try to explain it, or ask for forgiveness. I'm not going to try to appeal to your understanding to realize that I'm not a despicable person because, frankly, I am a despicable person. I thought the death toll in India was amazing, astonishing, even cool. I mean, most natural disasters only kill hundreds of people. When there are 6 or so billion in the world (about one billion in India), that's a drop in the bucket. Is it wrong to not feel remorse for the deaths of people you never knew? Then how evil am I for not even being sad at the funerals of family members I was supposed to have loved and cared about? I honestly used to think I was autistic because though I registered events involving death as numbers more than emotional content.

I'm told I'm not cold, but sometimes I wonder...

Otherwise, so far this semester my health is good this semester. The combined stress of having no classes and being cared for emotionally are helping, as is, no doubt, not having to spend as much time outdoors.
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