December 11th, 2000

lord, From this chair of mine...

The Malaise of a Hundredth Entry Slump

I don't know how to follow up on my last post, so here are some bad words on how I (shouldn't) feel:

Here I sit, brokenhearted
What has finished
Had only just started
The end had come
The bells have tolled
Here I am left
Alone and cold

Why has it come
Down to this?
There's so much in life
Made just to be missed
All this pleasure
Just makes so much more pain
I'm left wondering
If I'll ever be sane

Spinning, whirling, I flow down the drain
I can't believe this is happening again
Maybe I'll come back as a drop of rain
Life short, just a splatter on your window pane.

I'm here and I'm
Not going away
I know it won't
Be like this everyday
I just feel like...


I know why man does not have the power to actually break shit with his bare hands. I'm talking like, signs and metal railings on staircases and bridges and punching through trees like in Kung Fu flicks. Given that power and that power alone, man will want the power to break bigger shit. We're never happy (trite, I know).
  • Current Music
    Cardigans - Erase/Rewind
lord, From this chair of mine...

(no subject)

Excerpted from W.H. Auden's "Victor"

"Victor looked up at the sunset as he stood there all alone;
Cried: "Are you in Heaven, Father?" but the sky said: "Address not known."
Victor looked up at the mountains, the mountains all covered with snow;
Cried: "Are you pleased with me, Father?" and the answer came back, No.
Victor came to the forest, cried: "Father, will she ever be true?"
And the oaks and the beeches shook their heads and they answered: "Not to you."
Victor came to the meadow where the wind went sweeping by;
Cried: "O Father, I love her so," but the wind said: "She must die."
Victor came to the river running so deep and so still;
Crying: "O Father, what shall I do?"and the river answered: "Kill."
...
There was a voice in his left ear, there was a voice in his right,
There was a voice in the base of his skull saying: 'She must die tonight.'"

I think the voices in my head are saying "KILT KILT KILT" so I should probably take up Highland dancing.
  • Current Music
    Blur vs. Oasis
lord, From this chair of mine...

More Alex Lifeson's "Victor"

I'm not very religious. This song is as close to my spirituality as I think you can get. I hope maybe reading esp. the annoyingly bolded text helps you understand me just that much more.

I Am the Spirit
I am the star-filled sky in winter
I am the starry-eyed who stares
I am the cold grey rock of mountains
I am the one who climbs those stairs
I am- the sea, so calm yet fearsome
I am- the one to seize the chance
I am- the air so pure yet foul
I am- the one who takes a stance
All you have is all there is
All there is, is what you make
All you make is all there is
All for your own sake

I am the building, tall and handsome
I am the builder, the one who cares
I am the painting on the canvas
I am the painter, the one who shares
I am- the trees, so strong and silent
I am- the earth, all life to give
I am- the sun, both lover and killer
I am- the child, through you I live
I have a need for building on tomorrow
I have a need to begin today
I have no time for living some past sorrow
I just want to get on my way
I need to have strength in my conviction
I need to have the final say
I need to make sense in my selection
I just want to get on my way
You only have you
I only have me
You lonely with you
Me lonely with me

You can give it to me
I will take it from you
You'll always have it from me
We'll be always

I am the wind, both warm and freezing
I am the truth, not always fair
I am the clouds, static yet fleeting
I am the heart, a burden to bear
I am- a man for all seasons
I am- the boy who never fears
I am- the woman who knows the reasons
I am- the girl who sheds the tears"
  • Current Music
    Victor - Victor (off of Victor, Alex Lifeson's side-project)
lord, From this chair of mine...

# of comments

maybe if my journal style emulated mayzie's,
i'd get dozens of comments on every entry from cute boys
or girls

god knows i don't now
"wish i could find a way to disappear"
  • Current Music
    Linkin Park - One Step Closer