The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good

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I don't like New England and other places, The new book from Shiny Red Ball publishing

Perhaps the folks at should have included a question that said "I hate New England" or "I don't particularly care to see Sam Adams' chamber pot." If I didn't hate New England before, I do after reading Lovecraft. God, does he love to go on about how it's so "magical." It's BORING. And small. And self-important (I hate genealogies). Actually, I kind of like Vermont and New Hampshire, but I don't like Massachusetts (Look, EVERYTHING here is a historical landmark! We're so special! Rotaries! REGISTRY of Motor Vehicles!) or Connecticut (New York's Largest Suburb). Rhode Island is cool, even though it's neither a Rhode or an Island. But it's surrounded by ass states and is too small itself. And VT and NH seem so... remote. They're way the fuck out there. Maine? Well, Maine is cold. And it's not so much the cold and the fact that most of the houses are old and therefore drafty, but the fact that it's so cold that they don't have air conditioning and they get surprised every summer when the temperature climbs above 80. Maine people are whacked out. Just ask Stephen King.

Here's the list, first time around:
  • Hartford, Connecticut The Insurance Capital - This Connecticut city is home to America's oldest State House, oldest public art museum, and oldest continuously published newspaper...
    Population: 825,000 | Average Home Price: $155,000 | Precipitation: 41" | Snow: 42"
  • Danbury, Connecticut Small-Town Charm Near the Big Apple - Zadoc Benedict began making beaver hats here in 1780, starting this Connecticut town's important hat industry...
    Population: 70,000 | Average Home Price: $172,000 | Precipitation: 39" | Snow: 50"
  • Providence, Rhode Island New England’s Best Kept Kept Secret [and the first maybe on the list] - This Rhode Island spot is the home of the award-winning flaming sculpture WaterFire, installed on the three rivers of downtown...
    Population: 650,000 | Average Home Price: $128,000 | Precipitation: 48" | Snow: 32"
  • Boston, Massachusetts NO!
    NOT EVER. Not even if they straighten out the damn roads so it's possible to drive there like a REAL city. (Sorry, Becca... sorry your city is ASS! =D)
  • Sheboygan, Wisconsin [fun to say.. try Siobhan from Sheboygan] Wisconsin’s Jewel on the Lake
    Reader's Digest declared this the best spot in the country to raise a family
    Population: 50,000 | Average Home Price: $115,000 | Precipitation: 29" | Snow: 45"
  • Eugene, Oregon The Emerald City [I'd have to live in the same state as silverfish, even if it is a nice state.]
    This Oregon city is home to the Hendricks Park Rhododendron Garden, famous all over the world for its beautiful blossoms...
    Population: 200,000 | Average Home Price: $165,000 | Precipitation: 48" | Snow: 7"
  • New Haven, Connecticut Home of Yale University which sucks ass
    The first hamburger was cooked at Louis' Lunch in this Connecticut spot in 1900...
    Population: 523,000 | Average Home Price: $198,000 | Precipitation: 43" | Snow: 30"
  • Corvallis, Oregon Heart of the Willamette Valley - Home of morlly
    This Oregon city hosts "da Vinci Days," a festival of unique events revolving around art, science and technology... [a possibility, I guess. MoRlly?]
    Population: 55,000 | Average Home Price: $157,000 | Precipitation: 43" | Snow: 6"
  • Salem, Oregon The Heart of Oregon
    This capital city is the home of the Oregon State Fair, as well as the state's largest on-going fine arts & crafts fair
    Population: 163,000 | Average Home Price: $136,000 | Precipitation: 39" | Snow: 6"
  • Worcester, Massachusetts "That'll be a dollah twenty fiiive, pup." Once again, NO ASSACHEWSETTS!
  • Albuquerque, New Mexico The Pulse of New Mexico
    This city's International Balloon Fiesta features 850 hot air balloons each October…
    Population: 560,000 | Average Home Price: $150,000 | Precipitation: 8" | Snow: 15"
    [I say A-L-B-U.... querque! Now we're talking. Close to AZ, I guess. Some good lightning out in that desert, I hear. Dry heat, and on a mountain so it actually gets cold. I actually like Alberwhatever a lot. Always wanted to visit.]
  • Charleston, West Virginia
    Then a bunch more places in Oregon/Wisconson (Eau Claire!) and Fayetteville, ArchKansas (is that near you, maryeve?) and Little Rock. Some how, "Light of the Ozarks" doesn't do much for me, other than make me think of Deliverance with the Brightness knob turned WAY up.
    Baltimore, and Washington, D.C.

    I didn't like this list. (it's cool they list 24 spots, though. Not like, a top five or ten)

    ("I say A - A! - L - L! - B - B! - U - U!....... querque!"]

    So of course, I have to go back and fill out the geography section so that I select everywhere BUT New England, even if it is my IDEAL PLACE TO LIVE. Right. THERE ARE NO THUNDERSTORMS. >:(

    It came out:
    Sheboygan, Eugene, Corvallis, Albu... QUERQUE.. that damn song's gonna be in my head FOREVER.
    Then Charleston (NOT Carolina), Eau Claire, Salem, Portland (both OR), Oshkosh/Appleton/Neenah, Wisconsin, then Arkansas (ARCHKansas, ArchEnemy of Kansas), Baltimore, Medford OR, Madison & Lacrosse WI, Frederick MD, Carson City (only 30 min to Reno, and relatively close to Sac, I guess), Bend OveR (it thinks I'd like Oregon... and Wisconson... WHY? Give me a little variety, at least) cause look Kenosha WISCONSIN... Milwaukee (Millewaukay... we're not worthy!) WISCONSIN... did I check a box that said I liked cheese somewhere? Because I really camembere it.
    Santa Fe, NM (let's open up a restaurant there), Champaign/Urbana, where my dad used to live, then CHICAGO? Chicago is the only place where you can get SHOT with a KNIFE (other than Detroit) and then somehow, Hartford CT sneaks onto the list. Assholes.

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