The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good
eideteker

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You cannot bury the past in the present, nor deny the future. Well, shit.

"Ugh."

I feel sick to my tummy. I think I've been worrying about stuff too much again. I forgot that my incomplete was due tomorrow and now I am freaking way the hell out, because I realize that I am not breaking any patterns. To tell the truth, I don't even really think about Cornell letting me back in at this point, even though I know that I should... I've just given up hope. I just want to start over, close out the world, and take on an English degree one on one, like a maniac. Fuck psychology. I knew that was just a placeholder, but I never knew what I wanted to do. Well, I still want to be a tech writer, inspired by Becca's suggestion of three years ago (they make good money). I want a fucking Ivy League English diploma that says to all the motherfuckers out there "I REPRAZENT" or "I will take whatever assignment you give me

song change... "yes this is the campaign circuit slithered entrail in the cargo bay"

and shitfuck the arnsbarger until it bleeds and it bleeds and it bleeds and finally fucking dies." I want to wrap up all my remaining post-adolescent seething aimless rage and forge it into a blade of the kind of immense strength my parents always blithely believed I'd have. My problem? Maybe you don't know me well enough, but if you do, you'll know it... confidence. I feel like the fucking cliche-ass cowardly lion. Girls don't scare me as much as the prospect of getting a job does. It's just too open-ended for me

song change... "darkness together... we'll bring in the night... in darkness together we ignite"

to deal with. I need somewhere to start. I'm very unfocused. Mentally, I've always been pretty unfocused

song change (yeah, short songs now)... "we are 138... we are 138"

but what can I do? There are all these jobs out there and only one little me. I don't know where I want to work. I have no idea.

Ooh, good song change... "I just want to be loved by you"

Yeah, I guess it's just dickering, and indecision, and plain fear. But it's real, so real. I feel like I can't get over it, but that a real man should just be able to knock it down like a paper wall. C'mon CHUMP! SUCK IT DOWN and GET ON WITH IT. But I am so scared, just scared. WHAT IS FEAR? JUST GET OVER IT, BITCH. But what if it is a real obstacle?

song change... "and now she's found someone else, my Irish angel"

And I also realized that as honest as I claim to be in my journal, and in my life, I can't be really honest until I am honest with myself. I've had bitching sessions in my journal, sure, but that doesn't count. Every day should carry with it its own feelings and thoughts. Yes, I was sad that Becca and I broke up. Yes, I am happy that Michelle loves me. Yes, I am scared shitless about my future right now, and am feeling paralyzed. No, I am not scared of change. Maybe I'm scared to change

song repeat, dammit. it fits my mood

I'm certainly scared I will never change, that I will always stop at the fork rather than forge boldly on. And to think, I've thought of myself as the type of person who would just press on in a straight line, fuck either path. What a total fucking lie.

song change... "that's the irony of this debate / that's the fly that's been left in my cake"

God fucking damn it. I suppose now is as good a time as any to check up on that list of psychiatric referrals that my Gannett counselor gave me. I get paid next week, so I can now afford mental care. Whoo.

last song... "oooooh... Stop."
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