The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good
eideteker

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Dunno but today seems kinda odd

I woke up this morning with "an enormous sense of well-being." Maybe not the best way to describe it, but I felt... effective, rather than ineffectual and hopeless. Like: Hey, let's actually try to get stuff done because I bet we can actually accomplish stuff! Depression is a motherfucker. Due to financial considerations (losing my health insurance LOL), I haven't been taking my antidepressants, so it's a bit odd that I have been able to feel better. I guess (as I've posited many times before), my happiness/depression is really most closely tied to money. Sad as that sounds. I'm way happier when I don't have to worry about money. Chalk it up to growing up poor, maybe? So lol chemical imbalance, acually is bank balance. I guess?

Because I got a job. Yep, someone hired me. In December, I made a leap from a plummeting aircraft without a parachute, and shonuff, I have managed to survive. So hurray, income. Well done, guy. What I'm looking forward to most is having a job where I feel competent. Having a job where I start off in a good place (meds, CPAP) and quite possibly kicking ass at it. When a plan comes together and I'm firing on all cylinders, I visualize it in my head as some kind of ninja taking down a whole mess of thugs by channeling his selective attention to respond/react/repulse each attacker one at a time. They're not attacking one at a time, like you see in the movies; that's just how it feels when you're on and time slows and you can dissect every motion so that it seems like they're coming at you one at a time (at least, I imagine that's what the movies were trying to emulate, esp. in the days before widely available slow-mo and Matrix-y type effects). I'm so ready to be there.

By all accounts, I probably shouldn't be feeling so rosy. There's a definite area of pain in my life right now. But I guess that's the point? One aspect of my life (even if it's a biggun) being out of whack doesn't seem to overshadow everything else the way it used to? I can still feel sad about things without being wholesale depressed. It's an improvement, at any rate.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 3 comments