The Enemy of the Good (eideteker) wrote,
The Enemy of the Good
eideteker

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Right to the heart of the matter, right to the beautiful part

So after about 2 weeks, I've started getting used to the CPAP. I'm sleeping through the night now, for the most part. And yes, I have a lot more energy and focus. I've also been concentrating on my sleep hygiene; getting to bed by 10 most nights. Oddly enough, I've been feeling more tired at night. My inexpert guess is that since I'm actually awake during the day, I'm just finally feeling the difference between that and sleepy-bye-bedtime. Or maybe I'm wearing myself out more because I have the energy to do so. No matter what it is, it's good, because it's certainly helping me get to sleep at night.

It's kind of interesting, and the difference feels a little bit like I've been sleepwalking through life and now I'm finally awake. The sleeper has awakened and junk. I'm a lot more productive at work (though as stated in my previous post, it probably won't do me much good). The true test was that I sat through a grueling 4 or 5 person interview last Friday (over the course of about 5 hours, including a provided lunch, which was nice. And tasty) and only yawned/felt sleepy once. I'm really serious about becoming a new/different person. Even if it's purely psychosomatic, there's nothing wrong with a dynamic change that you've essentially tricked yourself into (a la Dumbo's feather?); the results are what counts. I'm expecting my weight to drop (for any of a number of reasons, incl. better nutrition/not being too tired to make food, not just the more exercise thing). I'm also expecting my immune system to improve. Hopefully, no more getting 5-7 colds every winter.

I also expect (and am possibly seeing; it's hard to tell) some easing of my depression symptoms (though the medication has already done a lot for me, which is why it's hard to tell). I actually almost feel... confident. OK in my own skin. Like I'm not a bad or flawed (well, no worse than anyone else) person. Which takes some getting used to.

It also means I'm more OK alone. And supposedly you're supposed to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else and all that. But does anyone ever get to that point where they don't need someone? I doubt it, at least for people like me. I'm a performer. I am getting better at validating my own damn self, but I'm sure I'll always need something external. So I have been going on fewer dates, which may or may not be related. I don't know that I'm really into "dating" at this point. I certainly don't want anything steady. I discovered that in the mirror last night (there is a surprising amount of truth to be had if you can catch the look in your own eyes when you say something); I'd said "I'm not really looking for anything serious right now." And just like when I asked myself if I was worried people wouldn't like me because I don't like me (answer was: No), I had a moment of clarity, self-correction. I stopped on my way out of the bathroom and rephrased it: "I'm really not looking for anything serious right now." Amazing what a little word order can do.

And it's true. I'm not. I'm not looking to "play the field," either. I think what I'm looking for is a freedom from labels, at least from right now. I tried the whole playboy thing; it doesn't work for me. And I don't know what I was trying to prove. Congrats, you made out with another guy's date at a bar while he wasn't looking. Does that fulfill some magical checklist in your head?

But if anything good did come from that, it's saying "fuck you" to the rules. Anything and everything goes. I mean, I won't lie to anyone. I don't like deception. I'm too good at it (HUMBLE-EVIL-BRAG OMG) and it just leads to bad stuff. Usually, it's self-deception, like telling myself I can be what someone else wants me to be. And that's the kind of thing I won't do anymore. If I like someone, I tell them. But I don't have to like everyone. I can like some people and not love them. I can love some people and not want to bang them, even if they're female (this is nothing groundbreaking, but people make assumptions). I don't know that I convey that very well to the opposite sex, "Hey, I like you, but not in that way" or whatever, but it's there. Men and women can be friends, if they don't want to fuck. That said, I also don't have to be friends with/pretend to be friends with (more self-deception) someone I do want to have sex with. It's OK for me to say, "Hey, I can't spend all this time with you because it's going to drive me crazy." Basically, my feelings are valid, and to hell with what society says about them.

So, of course, that naturally means I'm alone. But meh. When the right person does come around, it will be really right. Because we're both being really honest with ourselves, and each other. Right? That's the theory, anyway. Until then, I'm keeping my mind, my heart, and my horizons open. I'm putting my shields down. I want to get to really know people, and likewise have them get to know me. "I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me."

So let's do it. Let's get naked. Let's strip away all the bullshit and be real humans. Acknowledge all the dark parts of us. We don't have to act on them, but neither do we have to suppress them. They'll just boil over. Or fester. But also pull down the bright and beautiful parts from their lofty, glorified perches, hold them in our hands, and turn them over. Examine them. Handle them. (Like, for example, that the most heroic deeds are tiny and everyday rather than epic.) Let's examine ourselves and find that instead of lacking, that we are perfectly imperfect, completely incomplete, just fine as we are. We are enough. We are all we will ever need to be. If we are the universe's way of knowing itself, then let us know ourselves, with all that entails and all the glorious potential we house.

Every atom in our bodies was born in the heart of a star. Let us shine, together.
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